To Give Value to Others, You Need to Invest in Yourself First
Photo by Shandi-lee
Do you ever feel as if you’re being torn apart by the demands other people are making on you?
All day, every day, from many different directions, it seems there’s always someone asking for your valuable time and precious attention.
You don’t say “no” because it’s what they’ve come to expect of you. You can’t turn them down because they rely on you. They all do.
It’s relentless. Everyone wants a piece, yet there’s only so much of you to go around.
Your own experience of life is gradually being lost, a forgotten victim of the compulsion to put other people first.
In the end, no one benefits from you allowing yourself to be pulled left, right and centre by countless folk wanting a part of you.
Are you giving away so much support to others that you’re neglecting your own wellbeing?
If so, both you – and those who lean on you – would gain much from you showing yourself a little more care.
At times, I’ve felt frazzled and exhausted by trying to attend to other folk’s needs. I’m sure you know what it’s like. As soon as you finish dealing with one person, along comes another request for your attention. Your own plans go out the window.
Often, all you really want to do is to cry: “Leave me alone!”, though you daren’t say it out loud. People would be hurt and horrified.
Despite how worn out you really are, you bite your tongue, do what’s required – and again focus on what’s going on in their lives, while ignoring your own.
Why We Give Too Much to Others
There are conflicting demands thrust on all of us from a range of sources. Partners; family; parents; friends; colleagues, the boss… the list goes on.
Each of them looking for one more thing out of us.
With most of these people, there’s an expectation that we’ll give them our full attention, when they ask for it. We view it as our job to be available for them whenever they call upon us.
We can feel (or be made to feel) extremely guilty if we even think of giving less than our total commitment to these people. This is despite any negative effects on our time and emotional health.
- It’s a parent’s job to pour everything they have into their children
- It’s a child’s job to devote themselves to their parents
- It’s a friend’s job to be there for a friend in need
But, what happens when meeting all of these responsibilities leads to you being left with scarce energy to care for yourself – should you simply accept that tending to your own life comes second?
Don’t ignore the fact it’s also an essential duty to look after ourselves properly. Are you taking that job as seriously as your sense of obligation to others?
Pushing your personal worries and desires to the back of the queue is a selfless act when someone is searching for your help. It’s a much-needed sacrifice we all make.
It’s never selfish to care for yourself, though.
To Give Value to Others, First Invest in Yourself
When you fall into the habit of constantly giving your needs a lower priority than other people’s, you’ll likely not bother with them at all. Once you’ve dealt with everyone else, there’s not much time and effort reserved for you.
How can we be of any value to someone, if we fail to value ourselves?
That means exploring your talents and skills. Maybe take a risk or two. Doing anything and everything to improve your experience of life.
We’ve surely got to nourish our own existence in order to sustain others?
It’s similar to keeping a healthy bank account. Withdrawals are taken out all the time and funds soon run low. Without sufficient deposits of incoming money, the account is frozen. An empty bank account is pretty useless to anyone!
On occasions, you’ll have to say “no” and take steps to put yourself first when the demands on you become too great. Doing this may be difficult because you’ve never had to draw the line before.
Protect your future enjoyment of life by showing yourself the same care you usually keep for others alone.
You deserve it.
How are you coping with the demands other folk make on you? Do you find it a struggle to find time to care for yourself?
Please share your thoughts in the comments section below. I’d love to hear from you.
Please share this article
Yes, yes, yes!
I find my female friends struggle with this in terms of their time and my male friends struggle with this in terms of what they do for a living – being a good provider is more important than liking their job.
I think taking care of myself got easier when I started actively choosing to have faith that other people COULD take care of themselves, too.
Hi Britt,
Many people find it difficult to balance the need to care for ourselves against the demands of being a caregiver. Often, we let caring for others overtake any concern for our own welfare. Soon, something’s got to give.
It feels good to look after other people – it makes us feel wanted. Letting go of our compulsion to care means putting trust in that person to fend for themselves. This empowers the person coincerned and gives you back precious time and energy to spend on yourself.
Many thanks for leaving your comment.
Hi Scott,
Glad to see another article from you. :)
I love the title “To give value to others, you need to invest in yourself.” I am reminded of a similar quote from the Yijing which I shall share:
“A high-minded self-awareness and a consistent seriousness with no forfeit of dignity are necessary if a man wants to be of service to others. He who throw himself away in order to do the bidding of a superior diminishes his own position without thereby giving lasting benefit to the other. This is wrong. To render true service of lasting value to another, one must serve him without relinquishing oneself.”
I used to have this problem where I would give too much and overextend myself. But over time I realized that I would be of greater service and value if I made sure I had the energy to give and spare. If I were not up to the task, I would have caused more harm than good anyway because I was not in the best frames of mind to help them. Being able to say no is very important in this case.
Thank you for sharing this article! :)
Irving the Vizier
Hi Irving,
Thank you for sharing the quote. It fits perfectly, especially: “To render true service of lasting value to another, one must serve him without relinquishing oneself.”
I think many people will identify with the problem of spreading ourselves too thinly. In the desire not to let anyone down, we end up letting everyone down – including ourself. It’s very difficult to give our best to a situation when we’ve overcommited to other folk. No one gets the attention they deserve, least of all you.
Scott, I could really relate to so much of what you’ve written here.
I’m generally pretty good at making time for myself to do those things – like writing, walking, browsing in bookshops and heading out to a cafe or the beach – that give my life both balance and enjoyment. But as 2011 begins and I really, really want to pursue my own dreams, that have for so long been on the backburner, I’m aware that I need to stop taking on so much of everyone else’s stuff.
As you say, it can be so hard to say “No” when people ask for or expect your help. Too often I offer to do things, or agree to help, but then feel overwhelmed and regret having made promises I struggle to deliver on.
I know the people in my life would benefit far more by me pursuing those things I love, am passionate about and do with enthusiasm, than me taking on too much just to please them, ultimately resulting in no-one being pleased at all!
Thanks for the great post. I look forward to reading more of your wisdom! Brigid
Hi Brigid,
Good on you for deciding to take your dreams off the backburner! Freeing up some of the time you reserve for other people will certainly give you room to achieve.
You’re right – it’s not only yourself who’ll get the positive side-effects of you exploring your passion. When you find your ideal groove, you’ll have a renewed joy which will encourage others too.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us here.
You have a busy life, you work hard to make your day; you have to buy the latest gadget for your son. Finding a decent present for your anniversary has never been this tough. Hey are you missing out on gym?
Questions, expectations and commitments. Is your life only this? Where is the ME in your life?
For how long can you take the pressure from others, when are you going to loosen up and simply chill? Have you even given a thought to this for the past week or many years?
My suggestion is just escape. Hide. Run away.
No it’s not rude, it’s not impossible, you simply have to say the golden word “No.”
Live a low profile life for a while, I guarantee you will rediscover yourself. All you have to do is show less. Talk less, retreat, you don’t have to be there every time.
Benefits of the low profile life:-
• You will spend less money and save more.
• Who says you have lost creativity. It’s all about giving time.
• Pure entertainment for you is truly bliss.
• You will learn to appreciate yourself. Thumping yourself on the back and smiling at the mirror actually feels good.
• Life becomes structured when you are the master.
• People will look for you. Ask about you and start considering you important.
It’s just that at times we run so fast that we forget to pause and breathe, and what we don’t even remember is what are we running for?
Just take a break and look at yourself!
Hi Kiran,
You ask a basic question which would benefit us all to ask: “where is the ME in your life?”.
The pressure you speak of can be intense. And it can break us, if we don’t take action. I think a lot of us see it as being selfish to say no and to try to spend time on ourselves. I don’t agree. Instead, it’s a form of self-protection… a way of looking after yourself. You’ll be more able to help others because you feel better and more fulfilled.
Thank you for taking the time to craft such inspiring words.
Hi Scott,
My wife was recovering from an operation late last year, and for a few months I was really stretched caring for her, and our two small children. Saying no and taking time off were rarely an option (I got a few brief breaks with the support of friends). Where I really fell down was diet–I ate loads of takeout, and would keep myself going on tea and coffee, rarely drinking any water.
As we came out of that period I started switching back to mostly fresh foods, all home prepared, and started carrying a water bottle around with me. The difference in my energy levels was amazing. Even when I couldn’t take much time out for myself, a healthy diet and drinking heaps of water were do-able self-care choices that had a huge impact. (Just wish I’d done it a bit earlier!)
Hi Dave,
Thank you for sharing what sounds like a very difficult experience for you all.
It’s so easy to overlook not only our emotional wellbeing, but our physical care when we’re facing a situation which needs our full attention. We’ve no choice but to get on with it. As soon as is possible, though, we’ve got to try to stock up on our own reserves, if we want to be well enough to continue.
It’s good you had friends there for you who could give you the support you needed.
Attending to other people is of course vital for living a meaningful life. But as with anything, it can become an excess.
Certainly we not only have a responsibility for others but also for ourself. And we have to balance our responsibility with ourself with that of others.
Otherwise, we’ll ultimately end up being irresponsible.
Hi Bamboo Forest,
Getting the balance right is key. It’s usually only when we reach the point where the demands are too much that we act. We need to be more sensitive to our self-care before that happens.
Many thanks for adding your thoughts here.
Hi Scott,
I’ve fallen into the trap of looking after others before myself. I guess it’s both because I’m expected to, but also because I want to. It makes me feel good to help out when I’m needed.
I’ve also felt like I give way too much of my time as well. Sometimes it’s difficult to know where to draw that line you speak about. I never like to let people down.
Can you give me any tips on recognizing where that line is?
Hi Dean,
You raise a good point – we do get positive feelings when we support others out. It’s when we overstretch ourselves that causes difficulties.
Drawing a line gives those people you support a clearer idea of the time you’ve ringfenced for yourself. People hesitate at doing this because they don’t want to be seen as selfish. You can be flexible and still help others, though. Setting some kind of limit, however, gives everyone a better idea of how much they can reasonably expect from you.
This article really touched me as I’ve recently found my own life has taken second place to the needs of others.
I don’t like saying no to people because, if they’ve asked me for help, they must really need it. The problem is when my family and friends all want me at the same time. I can’t be everywhere at once (if only I could!)
My mom is just the same. I used to watch her trying to keep everybody happy when I was growing up. She’d run about picking up after other members of the family all the time.I’d tell her to take time out to recharge her own batteries, but she just replied “I can’t. This is what moms do”.
I promised myself I would keep more of myself for me – but lately I find myself copying her more and more.
Hi Steph,
We certainly learn a lot about looking after others from the way folk look after us. Mothers and fathers are a prime example. They’re not ‘allowed’ time off, just in case it’s thought that they’re bad parents. Given that they’re full-time carers, it’s no surprise they push their own needs to the bottom of the pile. Parents need a break too!
I appreciate you joining in the conversation.
Scott,
In my experience, it’s absolutely true that you have to take in care for yourself before you can give out support to others.
Trying to divide our empathy and caring acts amongst those close to us is difficult. Even when we’re fit and well rested, supporting everyone who seeks our help is a drain. Things are even worse when you’re tired because you’ve not been nurturing yourself adequately.
Thank you for the reminder that it’s ok to be kind to ourselves- and not to feel guilty doing so.
Hi Leigh,
I think ‘being kind to ourselves’ is the most important attitude we can have. It always intrigues me how we can sometimes be so unkind in ways we’d never be to a friend. Many issues would be improved if we just went a little easier on ourselves.
Thank you for sharing your views with us.
This is good advice, Scott.
The problems come when people start to depend on us to be there whenever, wherever. It’s just not possible to be available 24/7. You might feel bad about it, but how can we find any spare time to pursue our own goals?
I owe it to myself to be as happy and healthy as I can be so I can be strong and show others how to achieve these things.
Hi Andrew,
Spare time is hard to find for almost all of us nowadays. By saving a little here and there for ourselves, we could explore more of our own ambitions and interests in life. As I mentioned, other folk definitely benefit when we’re fulfilled in the first place.
Many thanks for leaving your comment.
Hi Scott,
My four children are all in their 30′s. It took me 9+ years to get my bachelors degree while raising them in the early years.. They were in high school when I got my masters. One thing I did was make a list for them on what needed to be done when they returned home from school. I listed dinner chores and left recipes and directions for the oldest, I had easier chores for the others. One thing I find today’s parents doing is not delegating or giving their kids enough responsibility. Even partners need to help each other more. When everyone pitches in, everyone benefits. How can something be so difficult? Oh by the way I was 17 when I married, the girls were all born in the first four years of marriage. We’ve been married 39 years. Sorry I got carried away with my answer;)
Hi Tess,
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it when folk take the time to expand upon their thoughts – it helps others a great deal.
Congratulations on completing your degree, and for coping with the considerable demands on your time. I totally agree with you. Children are much more capable of handling responsibilities of being a family member than parents give them credit for. In fact, if trusted early enough, youngsters thrive on being active contributors to family life. Unfortunately, parents tend to doubt how well household chores will be done, preferring instead to do them all in their own way.
Partners in a relationship need to fairly balance the weight between each other so that no one person is left carrying more of the work, stress, etc. Otherwise, resentment can arise. Similarly, it’s important to give the other partner the breathing space and opportunity to invest in themselves in the first place.
I strongly agree with Miss Britt. Faith is what that can take the stress and pressure of your shoulders. On another note, personal branding is what that will take you the heights of success.
Hi Eddie,
Having confidence that things will work out fine, is certainly a great stress buster! Many people worry about things going wrong rather than the possibility of them going right. That attitude just loads pressure upon us.
Thank you for leaving your comment.
I have learned, we have to be within, what we expect to be without. It’s all about being true to ourselves. Investing the time necessary for us to grow. From this growth..we excel!
Hi Jonathan,
There’s a lot less pressure on us to be something we’re not when we stay true to ourselves. It’s hard work to act in ways that don’t fit who we really are inside.
Many thanks for joining in the discussion.
Hi Scott.
I was discussing the very same issue recently with a friend-why I are we attracted to needy people. Her conclusion was that we have a desire to be selfless. I then asked how could we be expected to help others if we are struggling to keep ourselves on the right path?
The conclusion was that we both feel rewarded when we add some quality to the lives of others, which is why other’s needs sometimes take precedence over our own.
Hi Beatrice,
You make a valuable point – it feels good to give support to other people. There’s a positive side effect for us in that. We know that we are needed and are reassured that we are serving a purpose. This is never wrong, though we can end up devoting too much of ourselves at the expense of our own quality of life.
Many thanks for adding your voice to the discussion here.
I don’t think it’s a question of running away and hiding, that is just escape and puts an unnecessary burden on those who love us. What they need is to see us focusing on ourselves and taking care of ourselves. When you combine that with some gentle no’s then they will start to respect us.
I read a fabulous book, “Women Who Love Too Much”, which was all about this. What it talked about was how women attracted people into their lives who needed looking after and attention because they only felt good about themselves when they were taking care of others. The hardest thing for them was to start taking care of themselves and feeling good about themselves. An interesting thought.
Hi Graham,
Running away and hiding from an issue is an option – but not one that will ever help solve the problem long-term. Dealing with it head on is usually always for the best. People do tend to respect us more when we show a level of respect for ourselves that projects outwards for others to see.
Many thanks for sharing your views here.
Hey Scott!
Thanks for sharing this insightful post. It’s so easy for us to care and meet the needs of others that we end up forgetting about feeding ourselves. Thanks for the reminder that the things we do for others (loving them, serving them) need to come from us being loved and served first. If not, we may be susceptible to burnout and exhaustion.
Hi Dominic,
Much of what we want to show others, we forget to show ourselves first. If we give out more than we take in, there’s bound to be an effect on our physical or emotional wellbeing.
I appreciate you joining in the discussion.
Hi Scott! This reminds me of that great pop song, The Greatest Love Of All. A line there says much about loving ourselves is the greatest thing we could ever do. I believe, all the other positive things we do for others and all that emanates from how much we treat, respect, love, dignify and valuate ourselves. :)
Maybe that’s why the most charismatic people we know have become so popular. Many call them vain or tag them as “self-centered.” It’s because they first looked at themselves, tended to what needs to be developed or perfected, and then shared it with others. Of course, I’m not looking at celebrity status when I say this, but more on the person’s over-all positive effect on humanity. :)
Hi Arina,
When we start everything we do from the position of caring for ourselves first, we can then be of real help. Many people find it incredibly difficult to treat themselves with respect, yet we expect to show others what we can’t show ourselves.
We do tend to be magnetically drawn to folk who respect themselves. They have a confidence that comes from self respect – they value their own qualities and are, therefore, able to show this to those around them.
Many thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
The only time people give me the time of day is if I’m doing something for them. People don’t look for me if I’m not there, and are never available when I need help. I have no friends because people always demand more when I do anything out of love. Nothing is ever good enough. When I take time to care for myself, people are already gone. Sorry for being a downer.